Today is a rough day. One of the hardest of the year. The pictures above are of Meredith Prue, one of the most amazing women I have ever met. Three years ago today, she took her own life after losing her son four years earlier. Jeffrey died while playing the "choking game". Here's the link to watch the tv interview about how horrible this "game" is.
Losing Jeffrey was horrible. I remember going back to my dorm room after my first date with Brandon and going up to my room. I had forgotten my phone in my dorm and my roommates were freaking out because my mom had called so many times and they told me my grandmother was sitting in parking lot outside of the dorm. It was such a horrible night.
Jeff and Mel were living in Washington and seeing them was almost impossible. It was hard to talk to her because she was far away and she never really let on how bad she was doing. She wanted to know about our lives and never missed our birthdays or holidays.
I was working at the Middleboro Friendlys, living with Matthew in Middleboro and I had gotten out of work and was heading home. Matthew had invited people over for the night and they were having a party. As I pulled into the parking lot, my mom called. Her first question was "Are you driving?" and wouldn't say anything else until I told her I was parked. I dont remember anymore of that conversation. I walked up to our apartment in a fog, ignored everyone in my living room and crawled into my bed crying. Matt came in and I told him what had happened. His first response was "Well do I need to make everyone elave or can we keep having our party?" Should have been the first sign but that's another story for another time...
I will enver ever forget that night. Meredith was a second mom to me. If anything had ever happened to my mom, that's who I would have wanted to "fill in". She was such an amazing woman and she made my life better just by being in. She was funny and endearing, always putting everyone else before herself. Some days I was mad at her for what she did and I hate myself for feeling that way. I wish she was stronger and I wish that I could have done mroe for her but I know deep down in my heart that she is with Jeff again and she's finally happy. I cross my fingers everyday that she'll find a way to be there for me for the rest of my life. If David and I have a girl, she will be named Emmalee Meredith after this amazing woman. If it is a boy, it will be Tyler Jeffrey after her son; he was like a little brother to me.
I'm crying my eyes out right now thinking about them. It's hard and sucks whenever I think about them. Today is rough so any thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Especially if you can send them to my mom.
I know I talk about how amazing she is but I really learned how strong she was a couple days ago. I was talking about the pregnancy and she told me something she hadnt before. Before I begin..
Being pregnant is hard for me. Not in the "Oh my god feel bad for me because I'm sick and gaining weight" way but because I know my pregnancy causes pain for some other people. Please don't take that the wrong way. I love my baby and I love the family that David and I are going to have but somedays I feel guilty and it's hard. My friend and her husband are dealing with infertility and have been trying for a family since they got married in 2009. I adore her and that's why it can be hard for me. there's no resentment or anger, it's just hard. How can you feel excited for someone else when they hvae what you want without trying? And how can I feel excited without feeling guilty when it just "happened" for us? It's hard... Im crossing my fingers (and I hope you do too) that when they start their next cycle of IVF in a few days, it works. Her blog is here if you'd like to read more on her journey.
But getting back to the story... mom told me that she had the same difficulty after Jeffrey died. jeffrey was Meredith's only child and when she lost him, she lost everything. Mom would try and talk to her about us growing up but she couldnt help but feel guilty because she had five growing chidlren and Mel had lost her one. Mel was my mom's best friend. I dont think anyone will ever hold a candle to Meredith in my mom's eyes but she never let on how much pain she was in. She always kept face for us and had to keep it together for us. I guess I never realized how much she hurt but I could feel it when she talked about Mel. My mom had to deal with a loss that she couldn't fully understand or comprehend. It wanst fair what she went through and I am thankful everyday that she taught me the same values. My mom lives everyday with the motto that "It could always be worse" and I guess I understand it now. She lost her best friend but she still had us. She is such an amazing woman and I am thankful everyday that she was chosen to be my mom and that I get to talk to her whenever I need to or whenever I want to. I know that she will make a world of differnece to my child and will truely be the greatest grandmother anyone has ever had.
Mel has been gone for years but everytime you talk about her, it feels like she's here everytime I talk to my mom or her family. I love her with all my heart and I miss her more and more everyday.
Meredith Anne Barros Prue