July 28, 2011

I am NOT a terrible mom.

I've probably said this to myself 800 times this week and I just need to convince myself to believe it.

For some reason, Emma just screams when I leave to go babysit and Dave has her all day while shes like this.  She fights the bottle, she fights sleep and she just screams.  Its so bad that today when I got home she had lines between her eyebrows from where her skin was smushed from screaming. It sucks that he calls to ask my advice and I cant do anything except listen to her scream and feel like I'm terrible for being at work. I actually cried today because I felt so guilty.

I seriously wish I could spend everyday with her, all day.  I love every little piece of her and I could watch the funny faces she makes for hours.  When I do get home, I scoop her right up, put her on my chest and just lay there with her.

But its not like I have a choice.

David got the letter yesterday saying we hadnt won the appeal. Yep, we have to somehow pay ALL of our bills next month with just the money I'll make babysitting and the weekend shifts at Friendlys.  I can pay MY bills with it and maybe pay all of some of what we split like the whole cable bill and the whole electric bill but I cant afford my car payment AND his car payment plus rent and everything else. So how much does this suck... my daughter screams everytime I leave the house but if I dont go to work, we wont HAVE a house. Ugh.

Dave is on a SUPER job search at this point, canvasing the city and pretty much applying EVERYWHERE! Every day he goes without pay, we get closer to not being able to afford our lives. Its so embarrassing. Im 25, Im married and I should have my life together but I feel like Im grasping at straws and am scared shitless everyday that something else is going to fall through. Im actually considering selling my car right now to help make ends meet. dave;s not working and when he does start we're going to try and work opposite shifts so why do we need two? We each owe about 5k on our cars so if we could get rid of one of the $250 car payments each month we would be a lot better off but I guess I can only dream of things getting better.

I'll keep my chin up and fight my battles just like everyone else does but I just have to remind myself my heart is in the right place, everything i do, I do it for my family.  Cross your fingers and say your prayers for us because we need all the help we can get right now.

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