June 9, 2011

happinessisnowhere.

Today I am 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Honestly, I'm ok with it but you know what is frustrating... is people telling me to just relax and baby will be here when it's ready. Ummmm... I know that... I'm not trying to self-induce, I'm not posting on my wall everyday asking where baby is... I'm going about my day, obviously waiting but not stressing.  It's just obnoxious how people went from "Is it here yet?" every single day to "Oh, don't worry, it's just not time yet...". I know this, it's my body and my baby. I appreciate the concern but honestly the only thing bugging me about waiting is that it's given me time to really let it sink in that I have to deliver and then think of how different my life will be. 

This may sound terrible, but I'm ok having a couple more days where I get to just lay on the couch and not tend to anyone else.  I like that I can take a nap when I want to take a nap.  I like that I can run out to my car to check my windows without having to pack up a little one and put the pups away so they don't lay on the baby.  Am I selfish? Yes. Please don't get me wrong, david and I are so super excited for this baby but I would be stupid to deny that I am afraid of the changes that will occur once baby is here.  There are no more "quick runs to the store" or just doing whatever and that's a scary thought.  I should just be happy that we are blessed enough to be able to have a child and not think of the scary sides but, I'm human.

Another scary thought that has had time to develop while I wiat for the little one... how scary delivery is.  I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm already 4 cm, so I'm (almost) halfway there already and that will make it easier but seriously... I need to push an 8 pound child out of my vag.  (TMI alert:::) It hurts when Dave goes in sometimes, never mind, when it's 10x the size trying to come out. Laugh it up.. go ahead... but seriously, think about it. My mom jokes that I'm designed for delivery and that if I was a size 1 or 2 it would suck more but it doesnt change the fact that it is scary.  I'm afraid of crowning and the pain, and the recovery after.  Unfortunetly, the baby not coming has given me a new set of concerns... I don't know anything about being induced and there's not much information on it online.  I can find 1000 resources on inducing at home... you know, eat eggplant, have sex, jump up and down, but that's not whta I want... I want to know what happens when you're induced.  More importantly, what happens when I'm induced. I can't really ask the doctor until Monday.

What excatly are they going to do to induce me? Pitocin? Breaking my bag of water? Will I have to be hooked up to a fetal monitor and IV's if I have to go the Pitocin route?  I really didnt want to have any IV's and part of why I chose Tobey was because they were much more flexible about IV's and freedom of movement during labor and delivery.  I've heard that induction hurts and what if my body doesn't respond to the induction (even though my doctor says I have an excellent cervix), will I have to have a C-section?  I really was hoping to have as natural a birth as possible and it seems like the longer baby stays in, the farther away I get from that ideal.  The longer baby stays in, the more time I have to run these thoughts through my mind...

In other news, we got a fabulous letter saying Dave was denied unemployment because of "repeated use of vulgar language at work".  Obviously we are appealling the decision because he was never once coached at work for language.  The only time he had anything said against him was the one incident that was exaggerated that caused him to lose his job. I don't know how one incident is "repeated" but we will be fighting it, it just means we are set back a little bit farther than we had hoped to be by now.  I expected our first check this week and clearly that isn't happening.

Today, we did get to bring Bailey to the vet.  Her last annual was done May 5th of last year so we lapsed on her Rabies Vac, her distemper, her heartworm and her lyme.  I'm a terrible parent.  I've already fallen into the first child gets everything, second one gets left behind mentality. Oops.  She'll eventually be the "middle child" haha and I hope she doesn't grow to hate me.  She was great at the vet and after but she's definately in pain now.  Her bum is super sensitive and if Dave or I gets too close to her bum (where they put in the shots) she yips and cries.  She'll be ok, just sore.  She's curled up next to me right now, passed out.  Sable on the other hand is hating the weather and keeps freakiing out from that so she is also in my lap.  Thank goodness there's no baby yet or I'd have no way to hold all three! :)

And finally, my aunt has taken a turn for the worse.  I am still trying to deal with it and unfortunetly, because I can't just hop in a car and drive the hour plus away from my own hospital to be with her and her family, I feel even more isolated from her and the situation.  I asked for prayers the other day and I guess I need to explain.  She wasn't feeling well on Saturday morning and was brought to the hospital; she quickly deteriorated once she got there.  She needs a respirator to breathe and they have found liver, kidney, lung and heart damage but we're not sure why.  She was showing signs of improvement but this morning, she has started to go down again. She developed a fever and they can't figure out where it's coming from.  It feels surreal because I feel so detached from it but any prayers and support you can offer would be wonderful.  It's been a crazy day and it's just one more thing on my mind.

happinessisnowhere.

A Facebook friend posted this as her status and under it someone had commented with a sad face.  However, I read it as something happy.

Happiness is nowhere.
VS
Happiness is now here.

I read it as the second. I guess no matter how many fears or bumps are thrown in my way, I will always be a hopeless optimist.

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