Which is a very rare occurance for me. I usually am optimistic and even if I am concerned or upset about something, I try and mask it until I figure something else out. Today I feel defeated though.
I've already written about the preschool and how excited I was to be offered the job. Here's the catch: I had to have a physical, record of TB & MMR, and a note from the doctor that says word for word: "Able to work in a preschool setting with children without any restrictions". The physical looks good, I have a record of my MMR but not of any TB and the doctor won't write me a note because the job would require lifting children, cleaning with bleach, and cleaning the children's diapers. I cried. Literally sat in my car after the doctors and cried. This was yesterday.
I called the preschool and informed them of what my doctor said but told them I wanted a second opinion from my OB since they know me and my pregnancy much better than this primary care doctor who I went to for the first time yesterday, however I can not get in to see a doctor until my next scheduled appointment on February 8th. Wah.
The preschool seems understanding and she said that they will leave my file open until I get to my OB and we can progress from there, so its not entirely gone yet. But what to do in the meantime?
I've already told Friendly's that I would only be working Friday nights and the weekends. I'd look like a superdouche if I went back and said "hey, I can work Monday through Friday again but I probably wont be able to again in 3 weeks". I don't want to do that. So I figured I would stick to subbing until I can figure it out.
Its scary as hell because you never know if they're actually going to call or not and if they dont call, you make no money for the day. Fall River has called me every day since they said my CORI had cleared and I was set to work. They didnt call today. Is that a sign? God's way of saying I'm a moron and should just go back to Friendlys? Hate my job with guarenteed pay or love what I do but fear not making the money? I'm stuck.
It wouldnt be so bad if the baby wasnt coming. I know I'm an ass for saying it, but everything I do now revolves around the baby. Like David said, if I sub in Fall River, they know me and I have a better chance at a full teaching job come Fall. Much better for the baby and our family than if I continue to be a supervisor at Friendlys. I love this baby, please dont ever get me worng or think otherwise, but I feel like this would be less stressful if I wasnt weighing he or she into the equations. I guess this is growing up.
Next week classes start again. I am super excited, I love school but I am doing what I do every semester-- am I really doing what I want to do? I'm enrolled as an MAT student at Umass Dartmouth for Middle/Secondary English but since I was little, I always lean towards Elementary. I started Elementary at Bridgewater State University as an Undergrad but after taking a medical leave, I simply wanted to finish and graduate. Thankfully I was smart and took classes that would work for both majors my first semester of grad school. Now I'm waiting to find out if one of my classes will work to satisfy one of my requirements. So what do I do? I've never been able to decide and now I feel like I'm really at the point where I need to make that decision. I think I'd rather be an elementary teacher than a middle school teacher but how do you ever really make that decision? Is there somethign wrong with me because I cant?
This is whats on my mind. I hate it. I hate that I have to wait on other people and I can't control this. Thankfully we're moving in just a couple weeks and I can spend my unpaid day off packing boxes and getting ready for that.
I know it will all work out, because it always does but this time, I cant wiat for it to all make sense again. I feel silly complaining about all this because other people are dealing with way bigger problems but maybe its my emotions or horomones or whatever, but I needed to vent, and isnt that what blogs are for... write down all your thoughts and feelings without having to face someone else's immediate reaction to what you're thinking?