The Busy Giffs: Self-conscious.

January 30, 2011

Self-conscious.

I've always been very concerned with what other people thought of me.  My mom raised me that I am an amazing young woman and I should be proud of that but I was one of those people that ALWAYS found a flaw in myself. When I was younger, I wasn't as good at dance as my cousin. When I got a bit older, I didn't have as many boyfriends as my friends. With my chest came a larger stomach as well. Then my awkward awkward, let me repeat AWKWARD middle school/high school years...

I was never unpopular. I always had friends and something to do but part of me always felt inadequate. It may have been that most of my friends were sports players (soccer, specifically and well-- I hate running) or SUPER smart, and I was always just mediocre. I didn't stand out as anything and eventually I decided I liked that. I did well in school, but I wasn't the best. I had a group of friends, but I wasn't the most popular girl in school. Comfortable but without too much pressure.

I some how found a new sense of pressure in college. I HAD to have labels and bags and be a part of everything. I suddenly had to have a 4.0 and I have no idea why.  Looking back, I don't know. Nothing made me try and be better but I pushed myself harder than I ever had. It led to my deterioration.

I was so hard on myself everyday that I finally cracked. The day is still fuzzy and I push it out of my head because I never want to remember how unhappy and low I let myself get.  there was never a reason for it. My life was wonderful.  I went to college, I had friends, I was super involved in school and I really had very few cares. So why was I so unhappy and why did I have to be "better" all the time?

In a MUCH smaller scale, I feel like that now. I'm not concerned about attempting what I did before but I feel the same emotional exhaustion.  This time however, I am something.

I'm a wife. Soon to be a mother. A full time Master's student. A full time employee. Mom to two puppies. A substitute teacher. And so much more. I am ALWAYS busy. Of course I'm stressed. But I guess now instead of being better I just thought I'd be more.  I thought I'd be more than just a student with waitressing job. And more than just a two bedroom apartment in New Bedford. Why do I push myself to be so much? Why is it so important to me to be a teacher and have a house and not feel like the world is pushing against me most of the time?

I'm very happy being who I am. Yes, I wish I had more or had accomplished more but for once it doesn't make me question who I am as a person. Is that growing up? Is that self-esteem? Or is it just the realization that most of the things you expect to happen as a child, don't happen when you get older? How do you discern between pushing yourself and being too hard on yourself?

I have dreams and goals and I know one day I will get them but right now I feel emotionally exhausted. And the best part is, for once I don't care that people can see me at less than 100%.  I'm ok struggling. Its stressful and it drives me crazy but I don't care that other people know that I'm strapped for money and that I live in a disgusting city. I don't care that people know that I work at a restaurant and haven't found my true career yet. I don't care what you think of me.

My mom loves me, my husband loves me, I have siblings who love and look up to me and honestly, I like being me. It may have taken me just shy of 25 years to accomplish, but I am truly happy with who I am and now I just need to work on what I'm becoming.

To quote someone who has it figured out more than me:

"Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack."

Easy Halloween Brownies

Did you know that in addition to coffee and mac and cheese, Halloween is another one of those things that everyone else seems to love and I ...

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...